This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
