Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
