Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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