Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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