he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
