i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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