if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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