Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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