There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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