the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
