I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
