as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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