I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
