Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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