I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
