the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
