I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
