i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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