I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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