my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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