My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"