The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.