So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
