I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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