She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
