So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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