are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
