i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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