i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
