Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
