i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
