mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
