are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
