tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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