Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
