i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
