I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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