is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
