me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You are a booty call, not a friend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
