Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You can't special order awesome
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
