I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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