K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
