Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
