i was born a porn star she said
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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