Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
