I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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