Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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