well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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