Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
