How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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