I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
