When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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