i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
