Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
