Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
be right there i have to get my cape
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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