When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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