I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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