I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
