You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
