so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
