Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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