Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
